they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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