Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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