I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
