Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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