the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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