Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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