I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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