party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
