It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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