My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have fence marks all over my body
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
