I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
