It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
