Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
