I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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