you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
