Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
