do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
