he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
