He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she looked like the before picture.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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