two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
