it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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