Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
