I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
