my phone needs a breathalizer
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
