Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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