If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think i got beer on your cat.
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