Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My boob is missing a layer of skin
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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