He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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