man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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