FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
