If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
