If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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