theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
should my penis look like a turkey
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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