I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms