we have pet lesbian snakes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.