Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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