i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
