Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
