I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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