don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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