Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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