You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
