She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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