is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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