Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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