i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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