I'm gonna have a badass scar
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
