I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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