I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
