She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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