dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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