Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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