Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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