Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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