I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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