My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
