Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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