Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
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at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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