There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
