you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
