You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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